Well, the g-mom is mad. I told her the g-son is only happy at her house because he is not constantly watched while online and watches porn.
She accuses me of all faults and thinks that I don’t lead him in the right direction. I let her take him to church where guilt is inflicted. Just as she did when I was a child but never acknowledged her sins or her husbands. I mean that plural. She thinks of the men she married first. Never if my well being. And now, not if my children’s. The child is guilted to the point if no return and scalded by parents.
I feel sorry for us all. She is unhappy. I know she wants someone happy but who????
I finally have what I thought makes one happy. A new home, a good job, husband that is working and loves me, and kids. Some how things got screwed up. The house is far away. My mom is distant. My job is far away and the kids aren’t with me. The husband is unhappy sexually. I am too. I want it. He don’t. That’s a problem. The working for him is always iffy. Hates it one day loves it the next. The kids. Only one out three can see the love we give. What kind of world am I living in? Why am here is I can only please one little person. I am constantly blamed for all unhappiness. Changing of schools. Not cooking every night because I work. Drinking because I feel stressed. Asking for sex because it relieves stress. Why me???
Ok I am lacking the “all” department. I don’t have it all together. I forget more than I remember. The kids can drive me crazy one moment and the next be the light of my day. I go from happy to mad instantly over fussing and arguing over he little nothing’s of the everyday chatter. I want them happy and if the kids feel out of place or sad I turn my world, my life and wallet upside down. In retrospect I am trying to make them happy so I will be happy. Did my parents do this for me ? I don’t think so but they never told me. I wouldn’t tell my kids. I probably wouldn’t tell my husband. Am I hiding the changes to keep more changes from happening or to make things change? Life is getting harder as we all grow up. I work toward independence with the kids then find myself wanting to rock them or let them sneak into my bed and sleep. But I know they need to be free of my watchful eyes and insistent reminders. I just love them too much.
Literally, I have had people piss and moan about the float I had to think up and create without their help. Then, try to upstage me with a horse and carriage for their “mommy dream” or child’s success they never had.
Who does this??? I mean mom. Not a mean girl. This is the girl who was a nobody in high school and now has to buy her friends (only for a short time). The friends that are bought see this at the parade. The beautiful float is for everyone. It’s not like I painted a glitter sign and claimed it cost $40 (btw she did for the buggy).
This mom proceeds to try and upstage every mom in the school. Birthday parties were no exception. Each kid is different and if they want a party it was done. I threw a rock star themed party for my diva knowing she’s going to invite everyone she sees. No one is excluded. Limo ride to jumpy house was done by next mommy. Then, the kids all want something better than the last. The upstage, rain on my parade mom, has a painted pony party ! What? Who does this?
She has been invisible until now and uses her children as an excuse. Please. She makes parents think she’s sweet and innocent but poisons her own children. With what? Thoughts! The upstage mom actually told another parent that she sees their children being rivals…in high school. Why? The children aren’t thinking it yet. Why? They are first graders. She rained on several parades.
Now, do I need an umbrella to ride my float? No. But she does. The storm will be over her buggy carriage. I hate upstage moms or anyone who lives to make others feel beneath them. But, for all those in the parade, we will dance in the rain.
I have found I am possibly bored. My life is good but I lose interest fast. I tried working full-time and was great for four weeks.
Then, I realized I made as much money not driving 40 miles away each day as I did staying home. I was paying to work.
I got an embroidery machine and seeing machine. I am learning (fast I might add). I keep changing interest though. Jewelry, painting, sewing, etc. I can’t stay focused.
Thank goodness I work one day a week to keep me occupied.
But does this mean I am bored? Or that I am multitasking?
I try to think of my life in terms of easy and hard. The easy list gets lost and the all the hard stuff sticks out in my mind. I loved school. I was involved and realized that if a day of school was missed then I missed something. I could lose friends, invitations, boyfriends, assignments, dates, games,and more. I tried recently to apply this to my "older" self with work and life. Not so thrilled because it does make the same rule apply: attend or miss out. Lately, I choose to miss out. Why? Is it not easy to go? Is it hard to get excited about work? Applying my energy toward activities outside my homelife is hard. How do I make that easy?
So I tell myself daily, to keep calm!! Being the mom of two sometimes three kids seems near impossible feat! I want them to stop running, clean up, and behave. I must be saying it wrong. I must not speak the screaming language even though my voice is raised. I clean, they destroy. I cook, they eat and are still hungry. Continually, I hear MOMA! I know one day, I will yearn for them to want me but today I want to scream. I love them so much and want them to do better. Even for me to do better. I am in turmoil with my career and my home life is just now settling. Except the ex-husband who seems to disrupt my life as often as he sees fit and the ex-wife of my husband who is as irresponsible as the daughter she refuse to raise. Much less let us try. I mean I looked at our phone usage that reset today…we had used 450 text messages before 8:45 a.m. Call me crazy or text me crazy. She is twelve. No way am I going to let either of the two here go with a cell phone at twelve much less eleven. I want to scream at my husband, “you are not doing your job because she is disrespectful and still rewarded with a cellphone”. She uses it during meals (not with us) and ignore any conversations as she pleases. Screaming must be some type of release that I have not conquered or tried. Maybe I will go outside and scream. Oh, no that won’t work. My neighbors will think I am crazy. That’s right I am.
Work did not go as planned. Considering a life-changing job alteration. I have studied to do my job now and I want more. Is that so bad? I hate to post my gripes and complaints online but need some advise and would like to eventually become a source for others lost in the system…after college!